It Starts In My Soul

Mmmm. I should be showering, getting dressed and whatnot. I'm babysitting at quarter after 4. Yay money.

I'm so tired. I had a terrible night. I was freaking out, I don't know why though. I just couldn't stop over thinking everything. I became convinced I was having a heart attack. When it all finally ended, I tried to sleep but was so hungry I couldn't. I wanted to go eat, but didn't for 2 reasons. First being that even the thought of food made my stomach burn, and second that I was too dizzy to even stand. I had my large glass of water I kept sipping over a period of 3 hours as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. I was tired. I could feel it. When I finally did sleep, I dreamed I had been killed. I awoke about 3 hours after dozing off certain I was dead, and merely suspended in some form of purgatory I had condemned myself to. After about thirty minutes of this bizarre limbo, things became clear and I realized I was in my room. I could feel my bed, myself, I could think. All was well, and I fell back asleep. My mom woke me up about two hours later. That was unclear but I sent her away and started drifting back off when I got a phone call. Now I'm babysitting in a little while.

I feel okay right now, mainly. I drank some coffee, choked down about half a cup of jello. I had wanted salad, but the lettuce was brown and wilted =( I thought about celery, but that'd take more energy than I can channel.

I'm very dissapointed with myself. I bought awesome fishnets and I can't wear them. Nor can I wear the skirts, unless I wear dark leggings with them. It didn't occur to me until I got dressed and looked in the mirror. I don't remember the last time I was that upset with myself.

It sounds like I'm depressed right now, I'm not. Really truly not. Tired and restless, yes. But I'm not even really unhappy. I'm just stating fact of what's been going on as of late.

I wonder if anyone reads this???

Ow. Pain. Physical pain. Random sharp stabbing pain. I'm glad I wasn't standing just then, I'd have been floored!

Shopping the other day was okay. It might've been better if I didn't nearly lose myself stuck sitting in AE. I can't deal with that light. I cannot stand bright, florescent lighting. WalMart is okay, even though I'm uncomfortable when the light first hits me it gets better as I feel the space. I stay out of the smaller aisles and the crowded areas and I do quit well. I love the shoe department. It's nicely spaced, and always sees a bit dimmer. And no one ever goes there. Once there was a lady, who commented as I tried on some stilletos that she would wear shoes like that too if she had my legs. I never wore those shorts again in public.

I need water. Now.